Motherhood is madness x more madness with a dash of laughter
Motherhood is a constant roller coaster of joy, guilt for imperfections and wishing we could do better and making all the timing work and align for all things at once. It’s like coordinating and cooking a Thanksgiving dinner for 22 people, while on a skateboard, sleep deprived and getting a phone call while the doorbell is ringing. THAT is how motherhood feels to me.. many days out of the year.
Family transitions, family sleeplessness
Add a move or 2 and job loss and community shift .. well that will leave many of us screaming into the night.,
Transitions are hard on any of us. Add a little person.. and its rough times.. They may smile and laugh during the day. Or, perhaps be moody and clingy. Yet, regardless of what happens in the day.. the night tells the full truth of it all.
El made a giant wall next to her.. a dad-like mountain that made her feel safe with it on one side and me, closely controlled to be near, on the other side. It warms and breaks my heart. Yet, I am at same time so proud that she listens to her intuition and creates what she needs.
Yes, I am unexpectedly awake since 4AM. Nope, only about 4 hours sleep, so it will be a rough day ahead. Ella was screaming for her dad, saying she didn’t want to go and so loud I was yanked from deep dreaming into full body cuddle mode calm her. It breaks my heart. (And, yes, by the way, husband gone 3 weeks to his son.). It’s always these days that Ella refuses a nap by the way.. It’s like she senses I am dying for one and willfully denies it!
How does kid stress manifest in sleep?
So, as I lay here, already meditated. Already caught up with people on Facebook and checked all mails. Can’t get up as El keeps reaching for me. It’s straight out of a movie.. her arm comes across me every time I go to move away. So, I am here. Sleep deprived, but here. The sound of grinding glass in El’s mouth as she gnashes her teeth in stress.. Uh! My whole body tenses up. Stoooop!
Where is mom time?
So, this is motherhood. No wonder so many of us look older after kids! More wrinkles, stress hair, and never mind the circles under our eyes. Up late at night, just to squeeze in some me time. Waiting for life to kick in after the big fight at bedtime and 109 requests before actual sleep. Even I put my foot down about a late night bath. But, when El is hungry, listening to body intuition for food, I don’t deny her. I am exhausted, but don’t deny her this as she literally is wiggly without enough food in belly. I learned this early on. Just no point. Feels like bad habit, but I try not to judge and worry when it happens
Kids stress grind teeth in sleep
At this point, its more the screams in the night that are worrying.. and the grinding., I guess its a mix of her own feelings and mine. The connection these days is so strong that it forces me to reassess what is happening under the surface, forcing myself to truly work with it, as it’s not just about me anymore. That whole thing is still an adjustment.
Parents role and awareness in times of change
Yet, isn’t parenting that wake up call to old patterns and places of stuckness? We no longer have a choice. We must sort our sh-t! Being on the path of conscious parenting seems to leave little room for laziness. Yet, get real (as my dad would say), we are human and have to allow for all that ugly imperfection to shine on through.
New family path means letting go
In all honesty, this move has my own emotions and belly tangled in knots, so I can’t blame Ella for feeling stress.. My community, my world.. has been here in Europe so long. Yet, we yearn to find “our place” together. No idea if it is Northern California, as a family, or if there is some illusion there. Yet, we are giving it a go.
Where is home?
If home is where the heart is.. then is that one place at all? Then, why do I yearn to put down roots and grow a life that fits our collective souls, as family? And, what does Ella need? She is social. Life these days is all about who and where her friends are and how much she misses them! She talks about it every day! So, what that means for our future? That is being discovered as we speak.
We are still working out the details of our life. What we know.. is that we will be together. What we know is that we will work from our souls. That as long as we pay child support, pay our bills and are creating and growing our destined path, with all of you and feel that shining, then things are aligned. As long as we are connected to those we care about, it doesn’t matter where they are on the planet, they are in our lives.
The path .. and motherhood..
So, I guess the true path, is that each of our podcast guests comes along with their piece of the story, maybe our story; the puzzle.. for a reason we have not fully discovered yet.. Maybe, there are as well pieces of your own puzzle being activated with stories shared. That is our hope. In the end, as we let go more fully into the current of this raging river and see where it takes us, there is so much fear, excitement, expansion, emergence of pieces of ourselves once forgotten and more.
I suppose.. I hold a belief, that when we land somewhere, our somewhere, and we settle in. That, that is the moment when I fully begin to have more space for myself. Yet, I know this is an excuse.. and what I really need.. is to settle my soul now, showing the way for my daughter to do the same, so we sleep more, innovate more and naturally and persistently.. I have no choice but to grow space for myself to expand into, because time doesn’t stand still and I can’t just wait around for my path to scoop me up and show me the way. Time to grab the reins and go for it! No one else can make anything happen. We have to step back into our old life, gifts and shoes, yet find the new way, with family pulling and gnawing at us:).
Have a beautifully Imperfect day.