It’s another perfectly beautiful day. My kind of day as it is cool, but warm. The ones that made me wish I didn’t have a mountain of things to do, so I would not be up until 2 in the morning each night “getting things done”, planning, ordering and so on. I would like to be on my bike, as my husband does each day. I yearn for the wind in my hair. Tomorrow, tomorrow. It’s only this week, right? But, then he is off and gone for many weeks and there will be no chance at all. So, I will have to do that near impossible thing, which is let go of the fact that not all is done and go out and do what I love.. for sanity sake, and the sake of all of us as I am way over-burdened at the moment.
I am on day 21 and all things deep within are rising up to be heard. I appreciate these days (my husband may have another view), yet they are perhaps danger days, like walking with your back to the waves of the Pacific Ocean.. knowing that sleeper wave could come at any moment. Yet, I embrace it.. and let the words and boundaries come flying forward. I think of all of you, in these moments and hope that you also can find your strength and tigress and let her release your true needs and desires and hopes and dreams and sufferings. We used to track this time together to use it wisely. In moments, we remember. Now, I just hear the echoings of my own disappointment from moments ago when I voiced my frustrations about all the endless crap we seem to have to do in various countries. And, that my husband happily gets a lovely break with my bonus son for some weeks, while we are mired in it for what seems an eternity. Maybe I could step away, but to where. We need to conserve funds, and I honestly don’t have the energy to go with Ella to an over heated, over populated random place, hoping there is food we can eat, lugging all our things and hoping Ella makes a friend.
No, for the moment, it is the connection, familiar and peace of our own space that I need to accept and move into. Perhaps if I can finish the hardest things, the tangled mess of things like crafts, papers and memory boxes. The crazy drawers are frequently sorted, so possible between play time and naps. I got this! Do I? Uff, I just want to rest. You ever done a big move? It’s a mass of emotions, and muddle funk. At same time freeing to let go of things and move forward in a new way, allowing energy to flow through your life in new and wonderful ways. I feel at full peace and full angst all at once. And, I wonder.. how often we get stuck in the middle of the madness part, when all we need to do.. is see ourselves on the other side.. Where we want to be, where we will be.. Maybe that is where we need to come back to. Ever noticed that we groove in one area of our lives more than another? For me it’s often work or love. Now, it’s family too. Yet, to be fully rolling in all area.. tricky! That is the goal, isn’t it? To really have a handle in all areas.. What does it take?
Relaxing into the flow of where we go and trust that where we land is the right place. We will make mistakes, get stuck, do the wrong thing. Yet, we will as well find the moments to shine through it all, have humor and rise to the surface with joy.. just as all these frustrations are floating up, now. Rise up.. and be released. Then, we can be free to be in the moment in another way that serves us and the whole family.
I am right now, tired and looking at a mountain of history to go through. Sigh. It’s time to “let go”, let go of that resistance that feels like a Book report or an endless final class paper. Just dive in and get started. Listen to “peek a boo” down stairs and laugh a little and remind myself.. that this will end! And, it will feel really good when we are on the other side. Well.. except for leaving friends, community, family and the life we have known. Yet, they are not gone from our hearts. They are with us always .. as all people are when we love them or they have touched our souls.
The take away? Let us all let go into the hard stuff. Release the frustrations and dark bubbles into the air to be sorted “together” and move forward into a place of eventual freedom.
Today.. do one thing you have been avoiding..and see how it feels on the other side;).
Have a beautifully imperfect day.