Every been here?
Identity issues? Again?! I thought after I went through hell and back with changing my name ( a topic for another day), that all would be calm. Ha! Am I the only one who feels a bit out of sorts? Anyone else unexpectedly get lost in the mix of motherhood/parenthood?
Don’t get me wrong, I looooove being a mom, I love my family and my daughter. This has nothing at all to do with why I feel a bit lost and annoyed that I am somewhere out of reach. It is my own doing, or perhaps the exhaustion along with life’s realities that overwhelm. It’s the quiet suffering I see in mom’s, and surely some dad’s too.. that no one wants to talk about because who of us want to be judged. But, believe me, people see it in our eyes and shoulders and judge anyway. But, no one planned to be here, right?
No way, not me
Oh, yeah, I said that. Not me. No way. I am a strong and independent woman. How could I get lost in motherhood? Well, I tell ya’ I think it might be worse when you have been on your own and making your own rules for a long time and then you are fully immersed in motherhood and feel a bit like who you were before is evaporating like the energy you used to have. It sneaks up on you, right? You know what I am talking about.
the truth about motherhood
I remember friends talking about the overwhelm. I saw the truth of things as a nanny and later as a teacher. I am no fool. I knew it would be intense. Yet, I don’t remember too many people talking about not knowing who they were anymore. Maybe I did hear people say that they couldn’t fit “what they wanted/needed” easily into daily life. Yet, did I blocked it in a fit of denial, as there was no way I was going to that place.? It may well be that in order to procreate we can’t fully look at the realness of possibly being sucked into a black hole I sort of knew. I remember thinking I better finish my writing and creative projects before motherhood began as otherwise it seemed I would have to wait too many years before I could, again, have more time, sleep and focus. Yet, I was fooled at the start.
Support makes all the difference
in the beginning when Ella came, I had a pretty good support between neighbors and young helpers. When you have a support system, as I did more in the beginning of motherhood, you just don’t feel the pain of “no time” and identity shift as much. There is time for the things you love, along with all that has to be done and the balance is there. For me, 3 partial days dedicated help does the trick. Yet, it has to be every week, without tons of big things /projects happening as well. And, reality is that people have lives, illness and other priorities an so .. it just doesn’t happen consistently, so I can’t stay ahead.
Big transitions, moves and more
Move less, travel less and find your balance place inside the tricky realities of life. If we wait for all things to be finished and done, we will never get to the good things. Big transitions like moves, job changes, another child on the way, care taker changes, traveling, mile stones and so on can really put a dent in daily balance making creativity and time and connection to self more challenging. I feel often like I am swimming upstream, against the current in a river, in the middle of winter, after massive rains. Maybe that image is strong having grown up with yearly threats of floods in Northern California where one always had to think about the intensity of the Russian river, close by, and what it might bring in the night. We have to look at life and nature in the same way. You cannot control that river. It will rise and fall as it will. All you can do is decide how you will will get across or around it to do what you need to each day.
Through and around the currents of life
I have talked before about the theme of going “through” not around what madness is in front of us. Like the white buffalo, we have only one way. However, in this case, I can say that you are not longer standing alone as the storm is growing. You have these little people (or person) next to you and focus, direction and all things that were easier to follow before, including intuition, are very muddled up in constant distraction and energy pull and “I want” which might be different to your own needs as an individual. that said, there are ways, at least it seems some have found that magic challis. Together, we can pool ideas to move forward both for ourselves and for that which our families need from us,
Life is not the same
The fact of the matter is, that once these little people land in that belly, or in our lives, we are never the same again. And, the person we were before that we might mourn, at times, is forever changed. That person still lives on inside us, in our memories. Yet, today is full of all the imperfection and perfection that we’re are meant to be in. Trust, that like anyone, it takes some time to get to know new people. And, you are both the now, the before and the future all wrapped up in one. And, those little people we bring onto the planet reflect them all, each and every day. Don’t let that go. The wisdom that comes with growth, forced or otherwise, is awesome, unforgettable and your truest destiny.
Netflix – “Working Moms” shows us brutal truths
“Working Mom’s” is a must see show for parents. If you are struggling with identity within parenthood, partnership issues and more, this Canadian show will rock your world. It is painful to watch, at times, because they bravely went, in this one season, where few would ever be willing to go. They take all the way through, the mere momentary thoughts we have all the time. The ones we may brush away, fantasize about or maybe even judge others for. Yet, the realness of what they show is authentic and in the vein of afore mentioned “Let Down” from down under, where they simply are not afraid to say and show the ugliness of human nature. So, let us experience all our best and worst through these brave actors as we suffer in silence, or not so much silence. See and feel how it could be if we walked the harder path, without hopefully having to do it ourselves. Let us exhale, appreciating where we are, regardless of our own judgements and fears.
Bottom line
We must find a way! Otherwise, our partnerships, kids and for certain.. we are suffering too much. It won’t be the same. Yet, life will never be quite the same and maybe that is the 1st things we have to work with, inside ourselves and lives.null
Tips to Find your way back home.. to you..
Things certainly seem blurry, at the moment. Yet, there are some basics, that, if possible, are worth coming back to, just to have a chance to glimpse pieces of you, again.
- 3 minute “no – sound”- bites – Even if only for 3 minutes, take small pieces of time just for you, on the way back from various chores. ie, loading or emptying laundry, picking up food from kitchen to bring to the table, taking out trash or recycling, getting dressed/ready in morning, etc. No-sound bites of time for you are essential for sanity. Quiet spaces to think, allow space for things to grow and find peace.
- More sleep: Seriously, we are not working or thinking effectively when we are sleep deprived. I know it’s not always seemingly possible to get more sleep. Yet, I encourage you (and myself) to ask your partner, babysitter, family or whoever you can ask.. to give you a break to sleep. Whatever it takes. Without sleep.. we disappear, drown, are more grumpy, emotional less cool, impatient, less positive, less hopeful.. well, just less!
- Power of “more” – This is finding your way to the realty that more hands mean maybe more patience, yet in the long run, will be more effective and frankly doing anything you used to do before is more than you are likely doing now, so just suck it up and work with it. What do I mean? You like to garden? Get little hands involved. You like to cook, let them mix, pour and smell as you go. You like to paint? Set up a corner where you all can work in the same zone? Dance? Create a playlist and dance in the mornings in the mirror with the kids? Yoga? They love pulling out the mats and putting you to shame their 1st go around. Even writing! (though a bit harder, it’s possible) Ella likes writing with me. I gave her a sparkly notebook and cool pen and she writes even now.
Mindfulness Tip of the week:
- Close your eyes, think about you right now as a parent, what do you do really well.
- See the response of your kid(s)and partner, and smile and feel how that piece is important in your family journey.
- Now, think about something you have been missing of your old life/self. What is one thing you can hold space for each week? Can you do this with your kids? Do you need to ask for support so you can have some space to reconnect with this? Commit to this. It is important. If it works well, see what else you can bring in, 3 weeks from now. Take a deep breath in and exhale. And, so it will be.
Questions of the Day:
- What are you doing to survive the mad days of parenthood to not get lost? Tips and tricks?
- What would be your fantasy to explore? Would you work more, less? Change your city? Attitude around things? Write or call us and tell us your story for us to share or get insight on how things are unfolding beyond our doorway.
- *Join Facebook group or send to us your thoughts.
A Few of our Favorite things:
- Crayola washable pens. Use no other, no they are not yet a sponsor, we just have purchased cheaper copy cats and they DO NOT wash out or off kids, our clothes and fabrics or off floor. We love Crayola and highly recommend them for a more relaxed creative and parent life. Happy drawing!
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Have a wonderfully Imperfect Day!
